March 2022

Mar 2, 2022

There are so many ways that I use (and greatly appreciate) to deal with anxiety: probiotics, premium essential oils, cbd, prayer, music, exercise, coloring.... but the one that helps the most is my horse! I was struggling yesterday - despite all of my efforts. I wanted to sit in the corner and cry for no reason whatsoever (I can't even blame "that time of the month"!).

I sat in the sun for a while and my youngest was able to take me for a short trip to the barn, but I was still having a rough time when Bob got home. It was early for him and he wanted to work on our truck (one of the tires was showing far too much wear after our last trip to see family), but our yard is a puddling, muddy mess. So, I suggested going to the barn because they have a concrete slab to work on. This turned out to be a great idea and I tagged along in order to get some extra horse time.

I gave Destiny a thorough brushing, shoveled out a wheelbarrow full of manure (I would have done more, but it is still mostly frozen), and spent time balancing on a bucket next to Destiny (who thought it was a rather bad idea and kept trying to move away). After I was through, I felt much calmer and feel more like myself today.

We finally have enough saved up for a down payment on a place (again). Please pray that one in our budget becomes available so that I can have better access to my horse. And, if it is not in the Lord's will for us to have a place just yet, pray that I am able to remain content where we are and not return to the realm of depression. I keep telling myself that it will get easier getting more horse time once the weather improves (which shouldn't be much longer!).

Mar 8, 2022

Triggers are never any fun. It can come out of nowhere and from the simplest thing.

It's been quite a while since I've had to deal with one. Thankfully, today I was able to work through it. Still... it was no fun.

All I did was ask Bob to move the refrigerator so that I could clean under it. He looked at me quizzically, because it is something I can do and I usually prefer to do stuff that I am able to without help. So, I explained that I once got into a lot of trouble for moving the refrigerator. And that is all that was needed to create a whirlwind of memories and emotions. Sigh.

Why did I get into trouble? I actually don't remember. Maybe I accidentally unplugged it and it had to be moved again to plug it back in. Maybe I scratched the floor. Or maybe I needed help getting it back into place and that was inconvenient. I really don't remember. All I remember is that it was a BIG deal and I was not to touch it again. This time, Bob showed me that it is no big deal. So, next time, I should move it myself - just because I can!

Of course, the memories didn't stop there. That would be too easy! No, instead, I remembered that I was repeatedly told that my problem was that my Daddy didn't spank me often enough and I should be sent back to get a decent spanking. Of course, I knew my Dad would do no such thing and my ex didn't dare touch me himself! Something about my knowing how to use my shot gun and he would live through the experience to remember it for the rest of his life (though I never threatened such a thing) so, it was a rather hallow threat but still caused emotional damage that hurt our relationship.

Still... yes, my Daddy spanked me as a child (and that doesn't upset me). However, being told as a wife that I needed more was far more traumatic than any spanking I ever received. Actually, thinking on it, I don't remember the spankings. Instead, I have two very distinct memories of NOT getting one when I thought I would! One was when I told an absolute lie (blaming my sister for something that just happened and my Dad saw exactly what happened and KNEW). I couldn't believe the lie had flown out of my mouth and knew I was getting a spanking right then. However, none came and the disappointment on his face was far worse. I don't recall ever lying again until I felt the need to in order to save my children from unjust punishment. Even then, I felt bad about it.

Whomever thinks that triggers are no big deal or a figment of the imagination has never had to relive the images and emotions of long past events like it just happened. They have no idea how lucky they are. I am just glad that today's wasn't too bad.

Mar 11, 2022

Life can be so cruel. The perfect place... just 20 miles out of reach. Sigh. The guys said they would do the commute, but Bob's boss said that the distance would complicate his job (the reason he was hired for his position is his location and this is waaaay out of the way). I'm thankful that Bob asked though.

Mar 12, 2022

Hopefully, next week will be warm enough to start some more physical counter-frustration activities while waiting for the barn to thaw... like pulling pallets apart to make something else.

Mar 21, 2022

I guess it was the first day of spring yesterday... Yay! It was an absolutely beautiful day here. The ice in the barn is nearly thawed... and there is a snow storm headed this way. Yay spring.

Mar 21, 2022

I have a strong desire to start packing my stuff... a step in faith (that a place will become available to us this year), if you will. However, I do not wish to be presumptuous in assuming the Lord would move us when He led us right here. Ugh! My desire to be with the horses is very strong this year. We do have a plan in place for me to spend more time with them once the weather co-operates. It will all be well. I just need to be patient a little longer...

Mar 21, 2022

We are seriously considering a house! We can't pay what they want, but... if it is in the Lord's will it will work out.

Mar 22, 2022

Goal: paperwork for loan preapproval for possible offer on a house
Obstacles: soooo many details! (and this is just the beginning... )

Thankfully, I do have some cleaning to do to burn off my anxiety induced energy. Bob pulled out the stove for me to clean under (it hadn't been done since before we moved in... I was scared to look, but it wasn't too bad ) and the bathtub has been scrubbed. Next up: windows!

Mar 24, 2022

Warm, freshly-out-of-the-dryer curtains are soooo comfy!

Mar 24, 2022

House update: we have looked at the house and do like it (honestly, we are all moved in in our imaginations ), so submitted an offer that we can afford. However, it is a bit low for the seller, so they would like time to consider other offers. Since our offer is dependent on the septic tank being pumped and inspection, there is plenty of time. Now, we wait.

Mar 28, 2022

Our offer was accepted for the house!!!

Suddenly, my spring cleanup takes on a new direction.

Mar 29, 2022

Ok, ok... I know that an acceptance of our offer is only one step closer, but we prayed that if this wasn't the direction we should go that the Lord would shut the door. Since, the offer was accepted, I believe that we are good to go - even though we still need to wait for a septic inspection and an appraisal before much else can be done.

So, in my excitement, I decided that I could pack a few boxes... worse case, I'll get a lot of cleaning done and have to unpack, right? I filled ONE box and... out of tape.

It's ok. I got to the corner that I wanted to start in. I temporarily moved my keyboard bench in front of the deck door. Buddy says it can stay put.

Mar 31, 2022

Well, that didn't last long... the cats lost the privilege of the bench by the window. Buddy knocked over one of my African Violets last night (not the one pictured). Thankfully, not much damage was done, but I'd like to keep it that way!

In other news, my allergies are flaring. Since there is a covering of white on the ground outside, I'm guessing it must be something inside... this leads me to the conclusion that I'm allergic to packing.